A Welshman in Milano: 04/17/2005

martedì, aprile 19, 2005

Pope Benedict 16

After all of the fuss and speculation, the Catholic Church has elected 78 year old Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger as the pope to follow on from Pope John Paul II who died on April the 2nd at 84 years of age.

This would seem to confirm that the church is following the conservative views that the late pope held firmly, squashing for the time being any thoughts of a liberalisation of the views of the Catholic church, especially toward such knotty problems as divorce, contraception, abortion, marriage of clergy, woman priests and homosexuality (which he has called "an intrinsic moral evil"), which many people feel are due to be reassessed in the light of changing world views on these issues.

The new Pope Benedict XVI, which means "Blessed" in the original Latin, was born in Rural Bavaria, Germany. He was always considered during his time as Cardinal to be especially close to the late Pope John Paul II - being referred to often as the late Pope's "enforcer" of policy leading to his being seen as particularly right wing in his views. He became known as "Cardinal No" because of his drives to crack down on the liberation theology movement, religious pluralism, challenges to traditional teachings on issues such as homosexuality, and calls to ordain women as priests.

He has argued that Muslim Turkey does not belong in Christian Europe, nor in the EU, and issued a document saying that Catholicism was the only true religion, questioning the validity of other religions, even Christian ones, whilst at the same time Pope John Paul II was trying to reach out to other faiths.

It seems that his elevation to popehood is not universally acclaimed though. The British press have been having a field day with lurid stories in virtually all of the national press, calling him variously, "God's Rottweiler", "Papa Ratzi", "Tank Cardinal" and other such sensationalised descriptions. I have to admit despairing of the British press contingent at times, maintaining the impression to the world at large that they are still living in the days of the British Empire. It is even more amazing when one considers that the British Press is virtually entirely in the ownership of Americans and Australians.

For all that, I wish the new Pope all the luck in the world. I have a feeling that he, as well as we, will need quite a bit of that.

Is Silvio Going Native?

I could hardly believe my eyes when this was forwarded on to me.
Of course, I didn't believe a single word of it.
Naturally.

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GREETINGS AND BUONGIORNO MIO CARO,

MY NAME IS SILVIO AMADEUS FLETCHING BURLESCHIONI AND IAM WRITING TO YOU TO SEEK YOUR HELP WITH A VERY DIFFICULT PROBLEM I HAVE HAVING HERE IN ITALIA.

RECENTLY I HAD THE SEVERE INCONVENIENCE OF MY BUSINESS FRIENDS AND CONFIDENTS IN THE GOVERNMENT HERE IN ITALIA GANGING UP ON ME TO MAKE ME HAND POWER OVER TO THOSE SAME SAID PEOPLE. A VERY UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE FOR SURE, CAPISCI? THEY HAVE ALSO FORCED ME TO REDUCE MY STANDARD OF LIVING TO SOMETHING CLOSE TO THAT OF A CONTADINO FROM CALABRIA BY MAKING ME SELL SOME OF MY STOCKS AND SHARES IN THE ITALIAN BROADCASTING COMPANIES I HAVE CREATED SOLELY FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE PEOPLE OF ITALIA.

THESE HOOLIGANS HAVE ALSO BEEN BEHIND THE RECENT DISTRIBUTION OF FLARES AND BIC LIGHTERS TO OUR HONEST FOOTBALL FANS IN THE CONTINUING ATTEMPT TO DISCREDIT ME. FOR SURE THESE ARE ALL COMMUNITST STOOGES, BUT I AM A CALM AND HONEST MAN, SO HAVE FEARED NONE OF THIS.

MY PROBELM IS NOW WHAT I CAN DO WITH MY LIFE. MY WIFE HATES ME AFTER CUCKOLDING ME WITH THAT UGLY, BEARDED COMMUNIST MAYOR IN VENICE, SO SHE WONT HELP ME. MY CHILDREN ARE ONLY INTERESTED IN POWER, FAST CARS AND DESIGNER LABELS, SO THEY HAVE NO INTEREST IN HELPING ME IN MY PRESENT POSITION. AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE POPE TO HELP ME ANYMORE AFTER HIS RECENT DESERTION OF MY LIFE.

THIS IS WHY I NOW AM TURNING TO YOU FOR HELP. I SEARCHED HIGH AND LOW FOR A SUITABLE PROSPECTIVE BUSINESS PARTNER. I INVESTED HEAVILY IN PURCHASING COMPUTERISED ADDRESS LISTS OF SUITABLE CANDIDATES FROM MY GOOD FRIEND PRESIDENTE MOMBASSA OBASANJO IN THAT BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY NIGERIA. THIS IS HOW I COME TO YOU NOW, IN MY TIME OF NEED, CARO MIO. YOU ARE THE LAST REMAINING HOPE TO RECOVER MY DIGNITY AND SALVAGE MY PERSONAL FORTUNE, ESTIMATED AT 2 BILLION DOLLARS ($2,000,000,000,000.00).

I WOULD NOT BE EXPECTING YOU TO HELP ME WITHOUT SUITABLE DUE REWARD, OF COURSE. GOD WOULD NOT LET ME TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU, AS NEITHER WOULD MY OWN HIGHLY DEVELOPED CONSIOUNCE. I WOULD NO MORE SEEK TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU, CARO MIO, THAN ANY OF THE 50MILLION PEOPLE IN ITALY THAT LOVE AND RESPECT ME. DESPITE THE CURMUDGEONLY SELFISH BEHAVIOUR OF THE SMALL NUMBER OF RED BRIGADE INSPIRED COMMUNIST AGITATORS THAT STILL HIDE IN THE SEWERS AND WELLS OF THE BELLE PAESE ITALIA, SEEKING TO RUIN ME AND ITALIA FOR THEIR OWN NEFARIOUS REASONS.

YOU KNOW BY NOW THAT I AM A TRULY HONEST AND CARING MAN. THE FACT THAT I ALWAYS LOOK STRAIGHT AT THE CAMERA ND HAVE LOVELY HAIR AND A RADIANT SMILE WILL ONLY SERVE TO REINFORCE WHAT A TRULY PERFECT PERSON I AM. YOU CAN HAVE COMPLETE FAITH IN EVERYTHING I SAY AS I WOULD MOST CERTAINLY NEVER EVER LIE TO YOU OR ANYONE, SO HELP ME GOD. BUT MY ENEMIES ARE MANY AND HAVE THE CRAWLINGLY DESPICABLE MANNERS OF EVERY COMMUNIST SO I HAVE TO PREPARE FOR MY NEXT LIFE IN A COUNTRY THAT WILL LOVE HONOUR AND RESPECT ME. MY GOOD FRIEND PRESIDENTE MOMBASSA OBASANJO HAS CONVINCED ME THAT THE ONLY PLACE FOR ME IN THE WORLD THAT WOULD APPRECIATE MY SKILLS AND HONOUR MY TALENTS IS IN NIGERIA, WHICH IS WHERE I WILL BE LIVING VERY SOON.

MY FRIEND, THIS IS THE SIMPLE THING I WOULD ASK YOU TO DO TO HELP ME ACHIEVE MY LIFES AMBITION BY MOVING TO NIGERIA. I AM TOO WELL KNOWN A MAN TO BE ABLE TO TAKE ALL OF THE PACKING CASES FULL OF US$ THAT I HAVE MENTIONED EARLIER IN MY APPEAL TO YOU. I WOULD NEVER SHAKE OFF THE PRESS OR THE POLITICAL ENEMIES I NOW HAVE - NOT EVEN WITH THE HELP OF MY GOOD FRIENDS IN PALERMO AND NAPOLI. I AM IN YOUR HANDS NOW AND WOULD OFFER YOU A SIMPLE PERCENTAGE OF THE FUNDS YOU WILL SURELY GET TO ME IN NIGERIA.

I ASK ONLY FOR YOUR BANK ACCOUNT DETAILS, WITH YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBERS AND SECURITY CODES ALONG WITH THOSE OF ALL OF YOUR FAMILY TO START THIS WONDERFUL BALL ROLLING. I WILL ARRANGE FOR SOME GOOD FRIENDS OF MINE THAT LIVE FOR THE MOMENT IN THE NEDERLANDS TO CALL AND SEE YOU TO FINALIZE ALL NECESSARY DETAILS. I ONLY NEED TO SAY THAT YOU MUST NOT WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING. NEITHER MUST YOU TELL ANYONE ANYTHING ABOUT OUR ARRANGEMENT.

YOU WILL SOON BE BASKING AS I DO, IN THE HOT SUN OF NIGERIA, WHERE YOU WILL NEVER WISH OR BE ABLE TO LEAVE AGAIN.

FAX YOUR AGREEMENT IN TRIPLICATE TO: +39 02 50 41 22. SEND ALL YOUR ACCOUNT DETAILS TO ME HERE

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR HELP. IT WILL BE WORTH ALL OUR WHILES.

MAY GOD SMILE ON YOU IN MY DREAMS.
SILVIO